DOOL Discussion Group

Topic: Spinoff...Dear Mrs. Web...

Dear Mrs. Web,
I am looking for impartial advice. My fiancé and I are getting married next month. We have a four-year old together. My mother-in-law has always been good, not interfering, or manipulative. Until now. She is in charge of the rehearsal dinner and instead of having it catered, she decided to host a barbeque. I was disappointed but agreed. My fiancé and I gave her the list of the invitees and now she says that she has family in town, about six people, who she is including at the dinner. She knows my feelings and is blatantly disregarding them. I told her to forget about the dinner, I would host it myself in a restaurant. Now she says that she will not be attending my dinner. My fiancé and I agree that this OUR wedding and we should be able to have things the way WE want them. She has no right to dictate to us. I don’t want my mother in law to walk all over me. I think I deserve an apology.

I DO think an apology is in order. I think you should get off your prima-donna high-horse and along with your fiancé, beg your mother-in-law’s pardon for your rudeness. Imagine telling the hosts whom they can invite. This is not how honored guests behave. Just because you are getting married does not mean that the world revolves around you. Your mother-in-law is not walking all over you; she is getting out of your way.

I LOVE this columnist! Perfect answer. Put the bridezilla right in her place...

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Seriously...eom (ML)

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Posted by: misspm
Date posted: Thu Apr 26 22:06:15 2012
Message:

Excellent response. 

What on earth was the MIL supposed to do with her out of town guests during a barbeque at her home?  Send them to the mall while everyone else all hung out at the house and ate?  How ridiculous. 

I hope she takes Mrs Web's advice.  Her future relationship with her MOG needs salvaging.

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Doesn't sound like she really cares. If she did, she'd soften her stance...Says a lot for how the marriage will start...eom (ML)

You're right. ~~misspm

Golly, I didnt even read into the fact that the out of town guests would be staying at her house. In that case there is no not inviting them! (eom) Dawn

Well, we don't know that they're staying there. It just says she has out of town family in town that weekend. The story is deplorably lacking in details. Paula

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Posted by: Geri
Date posted: Thu Apr 26 21:59:20 2012
Message:
Great response by Mrs. Webb -- whom I have never heard of before your post. What paper did you find her in?

I'm good friends with a married couple to be and the bride's family. The bride's family is paying for everything except for the rehearsal dinner. Usually the out of town guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner and there will be some from both sides. But the groom's parents only want to have the bridal party - saying it would be silly to invite out of town guests b/c it would be like having a whole second wedding. The bride's mother wants to pay for at least her out of town guests - but mostly her brother (coming from NC to NY). Is this out of line? To quote ML - what say you?

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It's an online column. No, it's not out of line, in my opinion. Take a look below...I tell the story of The Daughter's rehearsal...I honestly don't see why people have such a big problem with simple things. Although the bride's family paying for a few people could get sticky...eom (ML)

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Posted by: Sephora
Date posted: Thu Apr 26 12:14:17 2012
Message:
Hahahaha I LOVE the response! That's a good one. While I do understand the bride's feelings about the guests she may/may not even know (I'm just picturing bf's mom inviting some of her friends/family that neither bf nor I really like), I still don't think the bride has a right to kick up a fuss. Her MIL is hosting the event and as such, the guest list is in fact in HER hands. As is the type of party she wants to throw whether it's catered or a bbq. The bride sounds childish.

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Absolutamente...eom (ML)

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Posted by: Jana
Date posted: Thu Apr 26 11:27:52 2012
Message:

I have been in three wedding parties where the rehearsal dinner was hosted by the groom's parents, in their home. Out of town family members from both sides were always present and nobody had a problem with it, especially the bride and groom. I agree only the wedding party should be included at a formal sit down dinner at a restaurant but a casual fun dinner at home should be a little more flexible.

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I think the host invites is fine, really. In most cases, a restaurant setting will include fewer people. This was interesting...I think I typed about it before. OK, so the SIL was taking care of the rehearsal dinner himself for various reasons. It got to be really interesting. The Daughter and I discussed it several times. We have a small family. Everyone gets invited to everything. That's what I assumed would happen. But no, now the kid (The then-Fiance, now-SIL) was going to pay for it. Said I, the family is not necessary. Who is necessary is whoever is taking part in the rehearsal. That makes sense, right? OK...so then I heard, well, spouses aren't necessary. Um, yeah, they are. WHAT? So anybody who's married would have to bring their spouses to eat? Well, yeah, actually, they would. OK...so cousins are reading...that means their whole families would have to come? I thought about that, and decided that since the kid was paying for it himself, no, that wouldn't be necessary. My mother had a complete cow over that one, butthere was no reason that would have to happen. And I really don't think there were any hard feelings over that. In addition, had the rehearsal taken place the night before the wedding, then we really would have had to include some out-of-town people. For that reason, we had the rehearsal the week before. It turned out well...there's always a way. If I had paid for it, it would have been handled differently, but, again, it all worked out...eom (ML)

My sister in law did not want out of town guests, including spouses of those in the wedding party if not in the wedding party, included in the rehersal dinner. My MIL (who was paying for it) took great offense at that on my behalf (I was the only spouse in that position), much more so than I did. I was really ok with not being included in that but MIL made a huge stink about it, so much so that there were effects from it that last to this day 5 years later. (eom) Dawn

Well, I think there's more to it than who came to the rehearsal dinner. Many years ago, we traveled a LONG way to go to a family wedding. The groom's parents hosted a rehearsal dinner and invited Mr. ML's family. Mr. ML's mom and aunt decided to buy a birthday cake for her sister, the MOG. They mentioned it to the MOB...she said nothing. When it came time for the cake, the MOG had a conniption fit that was so incredibly rude, really. She went on and on about how they were ruining her daughter's big day, etc. I really couldn't believe it. This led to a mass exodus by the groom's family right after dinner at the reception...I was completely against it, but I had no ride in a land far from home. I thought the MOG was completely out of line...big deal, it's a cake. FOR THE MOB!! Isn't everybody supposed to be one big, happy family? But I also thought Mr. ML's family, including me, reacted really badly by leaving the wedding and, in essence, abandonimg the groom. The reverberations continue some 20 years later...eom (ML)

Well, that doesnt give me much hope for my in-laws. ;) I kid, but not really. It is interesting that almost everyone has some story like this. It does make me feel less alone...I was so ashamed at the mess things had become. Not that any of it was my fault but I am sure I could have handeled some things better. (eom) Dawn

I don't know what you did, but it couldn't have been that bad. And what was with the SIL? She REALLY had such a problem with a handful more people having dinner together with the bridal party...especially when they were MARRIED to members of the bridal party? People just amaze me...eom (ML)

In my case it was just about letting all the little slights slide...it was the brides *big day* after all. It seemed like if I was ok with something, she would be certain to exclude me from something else and then that would anger the MIL who does not handle anger well and there would be insults in the form of emails hurled from both of them (in the case of SIL it would be emails that were *accidentially* emailed to MIL mocking her and MIL would retaliate with mass emails to her entire address book). As to what the original problem with SIL was, I really have no idea. I had only met her once, I thought we got along fine. They lived in CA, we lived in NY...once when we visited she was not feeling up to seeing us andshe backed out of visits to here with the BIL. We emailed/ called on occasion and everything was fine. I tried to be gracious and agreeable to everything, often trying to handle MIL as much as was possible. The only time I really said no to anything was when she wanted to sell a wedding dress on eBay (because she found another that she liked better), I wouldnt let her use my eBay account to sell it. I had an on line business at that point and didnt really trust her touphold the customer service standards that I had since she did tend to be flaky about things. But by that point she had already made it pretty clear I wasnt really wanted. In fact, the night before the rehersalwe were talking with BIL about some of the things that had happened and I stated that it was almost as if she hates my husband and me. BIL verified that she did hate us. When I asked why, no explaination could be given. Truth be told I was more hurt by my BIL being ok with that--I thought he and his brother (my husband) and I were pretty close. I was just stunned, I didnt know how to react to that. Well the next day even more crap happened and that was it for me. We left...there really is only so much that can beswept under the bridezilla rug. Years later and we still are clueless. From what I can tell she pretty much still acts bratty towards my in laws. They actually came out to our Anniversary celebration last fall. I just ignored her as much as I could and focused on my BIL, the nephews and all the other guests. Well, that was cathartic. Thanks to anyone that might have read this sea of blue. :) (eom) Dawn

This entire sea of blue between you and ML has been most interesting. I mentioned in one of ML's former wedding posts that I think that people take the ''wedding thing'' too far. The reaction of that MOB to a birthday cake at a dinner is an example of what I mean. It wasn't as though they brought a birthday cake to the actual wedding! It should have been a nice bonding experience between the two sides of the family. As far as you BIL Dawn, I can't believe he knowingly married someone who blatantly hated members of his own family for no apparent reason and who was so openly disrespectful to his own mother! ~~misspm

Dawn, your story is pretty much the same as that of The Bitch who married The Idiot BIL. For some reason, she completely hated Mr. ML's side of the family. My in-laws couldn't have bent over backwards more than they did without breaking in half...that's different from your story. That Bitch was just horrendous...and she continues to be horrible. ou know when I think of her? At times like this, when something about her occurs to me. Otherwise...she doesn't exist. The world is a happier place when the miserable are ignored...eom (ML)

ML you have hit the nail right on the head, she doenst exist in my world until something like this forces me to think about the situation. And our world is a happier place for it. (eom) Dawn

Dawn, your situation reminds me of the one I have with my brother and his gf. For some reason, she seems to avoid spending time with us (me and bf). Before I met the bf, I used to ask my brother (we're close) why his gf didn't seem too keen on getting to know me. And he told me not to take it personally and that it was just her own issues that held her back. I wasn't taking it personally because I didn't even know her but I was curious. He explained that she felt awkward about a couple of things when it came to being around me. The first being is that she and I are the same age. My brother is 7 years younger. She felt 'weird' being with him around me. The other thing he explained is that she feels that she has accomplished a lot less with her life compared to me. At the time I had my own place while she was living with her 4 sisters. I had a University education and she only had high school. She worked retail and was always broke etc etc. This is what my brother told me. He said being around me really worked her own insecurities to a fever pitch. To be honest, in my wildest dreams, I never would have thought that that was what was bothering her! I never looked at her the way she looked at herself. I just wanted to get to know her! Anyway, a few years later she started to make an attempt to get to know me. And we hung out for a while just the two of us. Now that I do know her, I'm not sure she's the right person for him :( She seems to be a very negative person. I always felt drained after our meet-ups. She would sit there and be so critical of my brother. And it was just awkward for me to listen to it. So we both cooled off on building a personal relationship. Then I met bf. I was hoping that we all would hang out as a foursome from time to time. But she's more aloof now than ever. A few times when we were supposed to all meet, my brother showed up alone and said she had a bad day at work and didn't feel like coming out anymore. They're living together now too. He's only 25 and she's his first gf. I wish he would just date for a while and get to know himself before deciding on settling down with someone. I would not say that to him though. It's his decision. He'll either grow out of it one day or he won't. Sephora

Sephora, I've learned in this lifetime that people make their own beds...The Idiot BIL was thrielled with The Bitch partially because she came from money. Uh huh...that's turned out REAL well...it's seems appetites might not add up with what's in the fridge, if you get my drift...eom (ML)

Sephora--thank you for sharing your story. Each time I hear something like that it does help a little just to know that I am not alone. I am sorry you (and your brother) are in this situation. Hopefully he will see what is obvious to you before there are any life long committments made. (eom) Dawn

**ML**…I like the expression you used and about appetites and fridges. I know what you mean. And I certainly agree with the sentiment about making your bed and lying in it. Heck, I had to do that a few times myself lol. Live and learn, right? **Dawn** You’re definitely not alone. It’s hard to know what motivates other people sometimes. Thanks, I do hope my brother sees it himself one day. He really is a very caring person and quite a care-giver too so I’d like to see him with someone who appreciates that side of him instead of always being so horribly negative and critical. That’s not to say that he doesn’t have some maturing to do because he does. But I think it says something that at 25 he’s on the same level of maturity as his gf (who is almost 32). So I think he will outgrow it one day. Sephora

And maybe he'll also mature and outgrow her. How did your mom handle them living together? Was it the same as for you and the bf? ~~misspm

Eeeek, are you ready for this one? My parents don't know about his living situation! They haven't met her. When they first got together, it was never intended to be a long term thing. A big part of the reason was that she was convinced it was just going to be a summer fling (due to the age difference). In fact, she insisted on it being so. So for a while she didn't take him or the relationship very seriously. They kept saying 'we'll see how things go'. As such, there was never any question of her meeting my parents or anything like that. Then as time went on and they didn't end up breaking things off, they started having problems. They broke up a couple of times and got back together. So then they still didn't think the time was right to meet my family. And by then it had gone on so long that the issue just seemed to be swept under the rug. I sense that she's just as happy that she hasn't met my parents because if she feels insecure around me, I can only imagine how she'd feel with my parents. As for him, I think that he knows my parents don't take relationships lightly and unless he's ready to get married I don't think he's planning to bring her home to mom and dad. Sephora

Whoa...Deals that involve looking over one's shoulder can get interesting...eom (ML)

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Posted by: Paula
Date posted: Thu Apr 26 10:56:10 2012
Message:
I disagree with Mrs. Web on one hand... the rehearsal dinner is for her son and his wife and their guests. She offered to host it FOR THEM. I don't believe it is appropriate for her to invite other people, family members or not, without ASKING the bride and groom. The dinner is FOR THEM, not her, so I do think she is out of line.

That said, as the DIL, I think a politer response would have been in order. She abruptly cancelled the dinner and is hosting it herself. How is she going to explain the absence of her MIL and what is this going to do to their relationship? I think it was hasty and ill-considered. There are other ways of getting your point across. She was being high-handed and narrow-minded.

What difference would it make if 6 additional family members were there? The more the merrier, right? She's not paying for it and I don't see how their presence would have negatively impacted on anything.

The MIL is also somewhat in the wrong. As the MIL, I think I would have explained they really wanted to celebrate with the bridge and groom, but wouldn't be at the wedding, and is it okay if they just came to the dinner? If the DIL said No, then I would have had the family over a different night.

They're both taking extreme positions that aren't contributing in a positive way to their future relationship. They are BOTH in the wrong, BOTH high-handed, etc. Really, I would never presume to host a dinner for a special event then add my own people to it without consulting with the guests of honour. I do think that was very presumptuous.

I'm also a firm believer in family dealing with family, ie. the son should have had the conversation with his mother.

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I agree...I typed a whole thing up above. I think part of the problem is differencs in how families work. Some families don't see the need to involve certain people...the dynamics of other families are very different. Communication is the key...eom (ML)

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Posted by: Dawn
Date posted: Thu Apr 26 9:45:07 2012
Message:
The only way the bride is maybe a little in the right is if the out of town guests that the son's mother wanted to invite were not invited to the wedding. Then I could maybe see the brides point of view a little bit because it might be pretty awkward. The problem was worded in such a way that it maybe was the problem. Even if that is the case, I am not sure it is ever ok for, even the guests of honor, to dictate the invitees to the host.

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That didn't even occur to me. But that's not in the letter, so I don't think that's a factor...eom (ML)

This is the part that made me think that it was maybe guests that werent included in the wedding: *My fiancé and I gave her the list of the invitees and now she says that she has family in town, about six people, who she is including at the dinner*. It just seemed very awkwardly worded if the out of town guests were in fact wedding guests. And I can understand the bride not wanting people that werent even invited to the wedding, perhaps people she doesnt even know, to be included. Neither the bride or the MIL are handeling it in a particularly great way but I would understand the brides POV a little better if those people werent included in the wedding. (eom) Dawn

See, I took it that they were in town for the wedding...eom (ML)

...and I think she's more pissed of at it not being catered or in a restaurant than she is about the people...tit for tat...eom (ML)

It's funny what we all read into it. If the people are invited to the wedding, the bride is just being a brat. And if it is the catering vs bbq, she is also being a brat unless the MIL has habitually made people sick with her cooking. ;) Plus I just re read the OP. Since no one really mentioned the kid in a reply I forgot about the little fella. The MIL might simply want to introduce her grandson to the out of town family (for whatever reason they are there). That actually changes thing quite a bit for me...swings me around to the MILs side quite a bit more. Cant blame a grandparent for wanting to show off her grand kid! That's it, the bride has officially lost me being a little understanding (unless MIL has habitually made people sick with her cooking.). Can I invent a backstory or what?!? Plus I am avoinding doing house work by my *breaks* to see what has happened here (so keep em coming!).(eom) Dawn

She could introduce the kid the next day or the day before or even earlier the same day, if possible. The best way for her to handle it, IMO, would have been to talk to both the groom and bride and explain the situation and asked for permission. Paula

Interesting...OK, this is where I am on this at this point. Again, what happened to the big, happy family deal? All this ''permission'' stuff is nice, but in the great scheme of things, is it necessary? Say the MIL, whom the bride said she got along with, did ask permission...and the bride said no. Oh, that's going to make for a happy wedding day. I don't see the big deal. What is so intimate about a meal after the rehearsal? It sounds more like a desperate attempt for control...especially since the MIL is footing the bill to begin with. I mean, they're all her guests. eom (ML)

I guess I assumed that the out of town guests were in town for the wedding too. In any case, I agree that it's only a barbeque following a rehearsal, it isn't the wedding itself, or the bridal shower- AND it's being held at the MOG's house where the guests also happen to be staying. It seems the most natural thing in the world for them to attend the barbecue--it seems that they'd barely be noticed. ~~misspm

There has to be more to the story...but there always is...eom (ML)

True...I wish they wouldn't leave out these little details. ~~misspm

LOL at misspm -- yes, how inconsiderate of them to leave out the rest of the details! lol Personally, I would have said, No problem because I do believe The More The Merrier, and they ARE going to be the beyotch's family, after all. I think ML is right - it's about control. Or the bride just got her dander up at being INFORMED and not CONSULTED... the end result is going to put a big hole in the fabric of that family. But they both could have behaved better, IMO. Paula

And what a waste of time and energy, really...The daughter of a friend of mine is getting married. She's not a child...she's almost 30. She has definite ideas about what she wants and what she doesn't want. Her parents originally were not going to pay for it, but apparently, they decided to do so. It is turning into such a war of wills, it's ridiculous. The mother and daughter have never seen eye to eye on anything, so you can imagine how a wedding is going. I dunno...it's really such a happy occasion, or you'd think it'd be...eom (ML)

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Posted by: Bonk5
Date posted: Thu Apr 26 3:29:46 2012
Message:

Yes! Where is this column at, what paper? Hello the Rehearsal dinner is put on by the grooms family. When son was getting married, even tho we had given them $$$ toward the money we still did a Rehearsal dinner a week before. Since the wedding was in the next town by the beach, and a lot of people were staying over Friday night, it would of been too hectic.

I suggest a BBQ in our backyard, bc we could invite more people and it would be relaxing. Surprising they agreed. Their wedding was huge, they each had 6 bridesmaid, groomsmen, the ring boy, flower girl. ( so the little ones parents and siblings had to come) Grandma, and Grandpa. (except they could not come bc he was ill ) our family, my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband. The brides parents, her Aunt, uncle. Some of the kids in the wedding, their BF or GF. If I had it in a restaurant ,it would have to be a huge hall and would of cost 2K!

It was still expensive (another thing, I had to the list of , *I could of saved money* had they just called the wedding of before..........but....) but at our home, it was so much more relaxing and fun, lots of fun.

That bride in the story is a brat! She is lucky the MIL wanted to give her a rehearsal dinner, no one says she had to.

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It's an online column...I'm going to check it out after I finish typing this to see what's there today. Anyway...I tend to like showers and rehearsal dinners at a house. It is more work, for sure, but it's a different dynamic. It gives people a chance to talk in a different way than a restaurant allows. You did a good job, Bonk....eom (ML)

Thanks and it was fun. ~~Bon

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