DOOL Discussion Group -- Anger Management.....

DOOL Discussion Group

Topic: Anger Management.....

Topic Posted by: Nicky
Date Posted: Tue Mar 20 10:04:07 2012
Additional Comments:

Need some advice. I've always had anger management problems. I'm convinced it's part genetic and part learned behavior. I've had counselling and I've gotten so much better, with much support.

Thing is I've been blessed for the past 20 years. I've had problems, but nothing of the magnitude that some of you have posted about. I've yet to experience a major loss of a family member.

Well, last week, my beautiful daughter miscarried her 14 week old baby after many trips to the doctor and many tests assuring her that she and the baby were strong. I understand this happens all the time and sometimes there are no answers and it's natures way if something is wrong...... I've got all that. She wanted me with her for the first 48 hours and then I left so her and her husband can grieve. So sad, but they are both ready and willing to try again.

Also, my 83 year old mother developed shingles and her knee went out so she's completely immobile. She's been hospitalized and is now home with a wheelchair, port-a-pot and more tests scheduled to see what they can do about her knee. She's a Italian stubborn, control freak and won't accept help unless it's on her terms. She outright refused an MRI at the hospital while admitted when the other tests showed her bones were fine. She's claustrophobic, but they had an open machine, but she would not listen, was rude and mean to doctors and family. Now she's finally agreed and we have to take her to a lab to have the same test done. Fine.... all fine. I can deal. I have been dealing......

But, I'm soooo angry when I get away from the situation. Angry on the road, angry at the store at people who are rude. If looks could kill, the woman with the cart full at the under 12 items line at ShopRite would have been dead. The right situation could just end up with me in handcuffs (again --- long story from long ago).

If I can't handle this stuff, how the hell am I going to handle the death of my parents and other tragedies. I'm look around me now and realize that people are dealing with far worse issues and if they were all like me, we'd be a horror movie of mad people wanting to punch each other.

Advice. Sorry for the rant.

Posted by: lifetimeviewer
Date posted: Wed Mar 21 16:22:14 2012
Message:
I can't speak for anyone else as to what works and what doesn't but I can tell you that prayer works wonders for me. God doesn't care how big or how small our problems are - He cares about people. I frequently ask for His help with everything from my mother's fraility to traffic gridlock to where I put something I can't find.

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Oh, I talk to Jesus all the time. And it does help, ALOT. Funny, my Mother is a very strict Catholic and has been pushing religion and prayer on me my entire life. It wasn't until after my first Grandbaby was born that I really started 'talking' to God. I was skeptical at first, but it's quite amazing. Sometimes I feel like he's right there having a conversation with me. Then sometimes I feel like he's not there and I get a little put off, but I always get a sign that he was there, be it the same day or even years later. It's old school, but all new to me and I'm greatful that I've finally opened my heart to him. Nicky

Posted by: Jenny
Date posted: Wed Mar 21 3:28:41 2012
Message:
Therapy, lots of therapy, whether professional, writing a journal or unloading here. I have quite the opposite problem. I cannot get angry. When people hurt me or mistreat me, I rarely show anger of any kind. I try to shake it off. It works most of the time, but the resentment of not being able to scream my head off does take its toll. You see, my mother didn't approve of getting angry, arguing, having tantrums, yelling or even crying too much. It was all "unattractive." I think her ideas stemmed from herself growing up in an alcoholic family, poor as church mice and being "the responsible one." At least four of her siblings ran away from home at 16 or so, but mom was stuck. She vowed to have one child and raise it "right." Trouble is, everyone's version of "right" is different. So be careful, mothers, you really, really, really do have an enormous influence on your children.

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Well said. Thanks, Nicky

Posted by: misspm
Date posted: Wed Mar 21 1:21:38 2012
Message:

Nicky, I'm sorry to read that your family is facing these tnigs all at once. My condolences to your daughter and son-in-law. Did they know the gender of the baby, and give he or she a name? Sometimes that helps later on.

Maybe you just need an outlet, like coming here and not keeping things bottled up inside, so that you feel like exploding at whoever is on your path. The desire to explode, comes from needing to release. If you need more, there are support groups for dealing with aging parents who are sick, and grief groups etc.

Because you are so aware of everything and are able to articulate so well, it seems that what you really need is a place to "let down"...which you can do here, or in a support group.

I'm sincere when I say, that I hope that the support you received here, helped. (((HUG)))

P.S. I'll never understand why people pile up their shopping carts and then go through the 12 Items Or Less Line. The casheir's shouldn't allow it.

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Thanks. That is exactly what I did here. I vented and felt better. I've never tried a support group, but I'm definately open to it down the line. I've been good with the anger for years. Just needed to 'unload' somewhere like you said, and here you are! Thanks Nicky ;-)

Posted by: Ginger G
Date posted: Tue Mar 20 16:56:15 2012
Message:

I am so sorry for what your family is going through right now. I've never dealt with that situation so I can't imagine how painful that must be.

I completely understand the anger thing though. I'm so angry about a few things right now, both personal and work-related, that I want to explode. I'm having a difficult time not going off on everyone in sight. I think I may need anger management counseling myself.

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Ginger, just coming here and typing it all out made me feel better. My friends here may not recognize me on the street, but sometimes they can see right into my soul and say what I need to here. Nicky

Posted by: sandy
Date posted: Tue Mar 20 15:19:56 2012
Message:
It takes a whole lot to make me angry enough that anyone knows it. It isn't that I am without emotion but I have learned to put it in a compartment in my mind until I cool down. My husband has only seen me really angry once and it scared the crap out of him. And he wasn't even the target of it.

I was married to a man for almost 23 years that had an uncontrollable temper. There were times he would throw a tantrum like a child and I could not respect anyone like that. He would also physically destroy things, usually my things. It's no fun feeling like you are walking on eggshells and a short-tempered person does that to you. It took me a very long time to get over the fear of someone yelling and throwing tantrums.

Think twice about the person who is the target of your wrath, even if they deserve it. And if it isn't a person but a situation anger will not change it. I discovered that getting really angry exhausts me and it isn't good for me so I don't do it.

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Hi Sandy, I wasn't like this in my twenties. I was always described as 'sweet'. I married an abuser and I divorced him, but my husband now is the one that has suffered through some of my episodes, God Bless him. I agree with everything you said and I've been so good. It's the feelings I had yesterday in the Supermarket with complete strangers that scared me. Lack of sleep, a stubborn mother and a heartbroken daughter had me mad at the world. I just needed to tell someone other than my family because it's not my turn to whine. I need to take care of my family right now. So I came here for a sanity check. Nicky

I understand the hurt that you feel for your daughter, I really do having lost a 7 month pregnancy long ago. And I too had to deal with a stubborn parent and it is extremely difficult. That was also many ears ago but I still remember the anger and frustration from that. I believe that is when I changed because no matter how angry or how frustrated I became, it all played out as it was meant to and my anger didn't control it one bit. Maybe that is when I learned. I am really sorry for your situation but try to do what you can for your own health, mental and physical.~~Sandy

Posted by: ML
Date posted: Tue Mar 20 12:12:01 2012
Message:

Oh, Nicky, I am so sorry about your family's loss. And about your reaction, I swear we were separated at birth...

I have a temper. I can go off at any time...believe me. I'm very much like my dad....I go off, and then I'm fine. When I do, however, my skin erupts big-time with various pathologies...not pretty. I've learned to calm myself down instantly. I breathe, and then I act...what I've discovered over the years is that anger does absolutely nothing positive. It really doesn't. What does do something positive is taking steps to make the situation better.

Example...and, actually, it's been pointed out to me that I should mention something about this on the board, so I shall...The whole cancer thing got me pretty pissed at one point. Actually, twice. Right before surgery...then I had surgery, and all was well. Then waiting for radiation pissed me off, although it was mandatory. Now, I'm halfway through...about 16 more to go, and I'm doing really well. My energy is up, I'm not having any bad side effects...so, hopefully, it'll continue like that.

Another example...Sonny got in a really bad car accident last week...with my car. Thank God, he's fine, except for a cut on his arm. We went to the scene immediately. I just wanted to see him. I saw him, and I was very glad he was breathing and moving...the day before, there was a horrible accident in which one kid died and two others ended up in intensive care, so I was feeling very lucky. Then came the anger...and I squashed it fast. He feels horrible about it...absolutely terrible. He's apologized a million times. Although I have wanted to scream and throw things, that's going to do absolutely nothing. And, in fact, it would make things A LOT worse. So we're working to get things rectified. That's going to be a job and a waiting game. But no one was hurt, the car was totaled, and I picked up a new car yesterday. And, hopefully, he learned a very important lesson out of all of this. God sends warning shots...that was his.

So here's what I do, with varying amounts of success. I breathe. Then I have a serious talk with myself and remind myself that freaking out is going to get things more screwed up. Then I escape the situation for a few minutes, whether it's outside a building or another room. Then I remind myself about things for which I an very lucky.

In your case, your daughter is healthy and OK and able to try again. Those are very good things. And your mom...that's a tough one. And I'm going to type this with no intention of putting on guilt...you know what I'm saying, right? She's still around. And as much as she drives you nuts, she's in pain, and she ain't happy. The more calm you are, the more calm she'll be. You have to turn into "mommy," because she's being a 4-year-old child. I know exactly what you're going through, believe me. I fight freaking out every day...and I really don't even DARE claim that I succeed a lot of the time. My mom and I bounce right off each other. But I really try. Because I love my mom. And I guess she put up with me having tantrums when I was 4.

So, I dunno. I hope things calm down for you. I hope your daughter and SIL find solace. And I hope your mom gets comfortable soon.

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And excuse me...where's the recipe? **ducking** eom (ML)

ML -- Thanks. I started crying the beginning of your response and then laughing at the end at your side-note. 'Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion' (name the movie!!). It's so reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's misdirected anger and I've convinced myself that it does no good. My past rages were so unproductive. I had valid reasons for being mad, but I would over-do the reaction and suddenly I was the one apologizing, only to be mad again because the original valid reason was never even addressed! Vicious cycle. I'm a walking guilt ball -- another useless emotion -- because these recent problems are not mine and I feel I have no right to react or ask for advice, which is why I'm here -- posting away on this board. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And you are on my long prayer list every single night my friend. xoxoxo Nicky (recipe to follow ;-))

I'll take them, and I appreciate them. Actually, what you just wrote reminded me of my friend. It doesn't happen often, but every once in awhile something hits her and she goes blind with rage. Come to think of it, it hasn't happened in about 7 years that I know of...that's a good thing. But at least you realize it's not a good reaction...she doesn't...eom (ML)

Blind is right word. While it's happening I have very little control. I've learned to get a handle on it by recognizing early onset of it, and like you said, breathe, count, walk away, remove myself from the situation and get around people who can help me. Believe me, there was a time when I made excuses and I had damn good ones, but I now know that nothing justifies the rage, it only hurts others and myself. I'll never, ever own a gun. When I've gone off, the weapons I had at hand were deadly enough -- glassware, anything throwable, but the worst being my own mouth. People can forgive, but I know they don't forget. The Anger Management classes were actually taken to make sure I didn't get a police record, but ended up being so helpful and insightful. I continued therapy for a few months and it helped with all my relationships. I'm a very intense person and we are in a very non-intense world. It's hide your emotions and/or take a pill. I can only bottle so much up before I explode, so I've learned to speak up when I'm mad -- at the appropriate time of course, instead of letting it simmer. Who knew? It works and nobody hates me for it! Nicky

I know exactly what you're typing. I forgot something...what Sandy said about compartmentalizing. I'm REALLY good at that...the stuff that bothers me gets put into a little box in my brain and only is peeked at when absolutely necessary. I refuse to worry...that takes care of that. Also, dealing with things directly before they come to a boil really works. And recognizing that the poor schlub on line at ShopRite really didn't do anything...the poor thing is clueless...eom (ML)