I'm a bit surprised at how put out some people seem to be by registries.

IMO nowadays especially, they are practical.  So many people are marrying older, and/or living together first, and have so many things already.  A registry lets people know what the bride/groom don't have.  I don't buy that it's how a bride and groom keep track of how much people are spending.  Maybe I'm naive but I never, ever did that.  We had things on our registry at all different price points... both low end and high end (people actually asked us to post a few more expensive items so they could go in on a gift as a group - great idea). 

It just makes sense that the bride and groom aren't having to return gifts because they already had most of what they received.

So, we did have a registry.  Most went with the registry or cash.  But a few people went off the registry and we were of course just as grateful.  And the off-registry gifts in most cases were pretty unique and well thought out. 

If it were me, I'd appreciate the unique pepper mill, even if I had a regular old one on my registry.  I think a pepper mill is one of those things you can almost never have enough of - within reason of course!  But they are a neat accessory and different ones can suit different occasions.

In buying a gift - if people have a registry I usually get something from it, even a small thing, and something off-registry or cash along with it.  That way it's a bit of both worlds.

Hope that helps!

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Hi HockeyChick~ I think Registries can be practical when starting out for the first time. The wedding I went to in March -- for the bridal shower I got 3 small things off the registry and then got a pepper mill for the wedding present. Devin didn't have a bridal shower up here b/c her mom refused to throw one seeing as how they have already set up a household. I guess I was curious what most people did. I wish I could do something for the honeymoon but I can't afford any of the experiences. I'll share later what I decide upon. /Geri

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Posted by: Nicky
Date posted: Wed Apr 18 12:20:34 2012
Message:

For Baby Showers, I stick to the registry.   For Bridal Showers, I stick to it I don't know the person very well (and even then I usually only send a gift instead of attending because they are boring as hell), BUT if I know the bride-to-be very well, HELL NO.

I try to do something special depending on what I know she loves, cooking, hiking, etc.     Or I'll do a spa day for two to help them "relax" before or after the wedding.   I'll usually go in with someone to make it a good one.

I'm a rebel?   Ha. Not.

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Hi Nicky~ I think going with a baby registry is a good idea -- how new are they? I don't always remember them being around back in the day. I like your spa idea. In fact the couple has a honeymoon registry for different experiences but there is no way I can afford any of those ideas. /Geri

I don't get the honeymoon registry. Cash serves the same purpose...and, in fact, it is cash. Nobody's scheduling anything...I think that's a way to get cash instead of gifts...eom (ML)

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Posted by: Sephora
Date posted: Wed Apr 18 11:09:05 2012
Message:

I'm not a fan of registries and generally, I won't support the idea by buying from it. I may look at a registry to see the types of things on it to get ideas but I will not buy from it. So to answer your question, I have always gone off registry. And in fact, I usually give money. That way they can still get whatever they want without us going through the whole pretense of me picking out a gift for them that I didn't really pick lol. I figure with money they can literally use it for anything whether it's to recover some of their wedding costs (if they don't need household stuff) or to pay for their honeymoon. Honestly, I find that it isn't that uncommon to give money in these parts. And it's so nice to not worry about wrapping a big bulky gift and dragging it with you to the wedding reception. Small envelopes are so easy :o)

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Hi Sephora~ I agree with checking in with a registry to see someone's tastes. I generally don't like buying from them unless I don't know the couple all that well. Money is a common place gift but I don't like and can't really afford that now. I'll come back and post what I decide on. /Geri

Sephora -- I like how you worded your comment! That's what I was trying to say below when I said it feels like borrowing my credit card. Why is it better to buy a registry gift rather than give cash? For that matter, why do people consider cash more ''tacky'' than a gift card? And why is it tacky to tell someone about your registry but not to tell your mother to do it? Some of these rules make me feel like the whole thing is exactly what you said ... a pretense. Not that I'm saying everyone who uses the registry system is like that ... just how the system makes me feel. eom--RK

RK, I don’t get the arbitrary rules either. In fact, when something is arbitrary like that, I usually like to cut right to the chase. Get to the bottom line, so to speak. So bride/groom set up a registry. To me, that says that they know what they want and they want to choose their own gifts. When I think of it like that, the bottom line becomes about money. So I save myself the hassle of going to the registry, pretending to pick a gift out, hauling it home, wrapping it, hauling it to the venue etc…I just stick some money in an envelope and call it a day. They can then go and buy it off their own registry…or not! Totally up to them. The system makes me feel that way too so I don’t play into it. I want to give the bride/groom a gift but I don't like charades. So I'm happy to give them money they can spend however they like :o) Sephora

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Posted by: Maddy
Date posted: Wed Apr 18 10:06:08 2012
Message:

Ok...my two cents worth. 

When I was pregnant I had a baby registry....only a couple of people bought off of it.  That left me to buy EVERYTHING I needed for the baby.  And quite frankly, I didn't have the money to buy alot of stuff that was on my registry.  I had enough baby clothes given to me to dress six babies at a time over a week and not do laundry - because everyone wanted to buy cute baby clothes.  The idea behind a registry is NOT to keep track of how much people spent, it is to get the items you really need or want and NOT get stuck with a hundred items you will NEVER use.  Think about the age old story....Aunt Sophie got us the most hideous vase, we only pull it out when she visits.  Guess what, Aunt Sophie thought that it was a great *personal gift*.  So if she had bought from the registry, you would have gotten something you requested, liked, and needed - not something to be stashed away and hidden from site. 

Another way to look at it is this, you are buying something for the bride and groom (or parents to be) to start their daily lives together and to help them build a *home* - so what if it is something as boring as a coffee pot - if they need it get it for them...it's not like a special birthday present that you buy to surprise/please the recepient.  Hope that makes sense???

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Ain't that the truth regarding baby gifts? Everyone wants to give cute outfits, newborn size. Even former parents seem to forget sometimes how quickly children grow and how unlikely it is that all those gifts will actually be used. We didn't use a lot of the clothes we received for my daughter. But I think the mistake there isn't not shopping off of a registry per se, but not asking the new mother/parents what they need. I would much rather we have a simple tradition of *asking* then going through the whole rigamarole of a registry. It seems to me that it makes things easier on the mother (or the couple in the case of a wedding registry) because they don't have to select the *specific* items and store, and it also allows for some creativity from the guests. After all, sometimes a guest will know of a really good and useful item taht the parents/couple may not even have thought of! I know that there were some things we thought we'd need as parents that we barely used, and other things (like a bouncy seat) that we got as gifts that we thought were totally unnecessarily that we found to be infinitely useful! Most registries, both baby and wedding, that I've seen, though, are not for necessities. Most are for things people want, including luxuries like china/crystal. (Yeah, I know it's traditional in the US to start a home with china/crystal ... that doesn't make it any less of a luxury!) And while I think people should try to give people what they want, I don't think anyone should feel obligated to buy gifts off of a very specific list. It doesn't feel like giving anymore ... it feels like letting someone borrow your credit card. JMO. eom--RK

Thanks for your thoughts, Maddy. Am sorry you were left to buy so much for your baby. I threw a baby shower a few years ago and did get a lot of stuff off the registries. Devin and Logan - the couple getting married have been living together for a few years now and have their own condo --so they have much of what they need already. I talked with Devin's mom and talked about the pepper mill and wine decanter ideas. She's going to help me pick one. /Geri

I never by newborn sizes. The smallest I'll buy is 18 months...usually 2Ts...eom (ML)

Another thing to remember...it's not about how YOU feel about giving because quite frankly, it's not YOUR day. It should be about the bride and groom and what THEY want to start their marriage...hence the registry. People may want to buy what THEY want to buy, but again...it's not about the person doing the buying, it's about the people receiving. I'm reading alot of *but I like to buy this and I want to do this* shouldn't it be *but she/he want this and she/he have requested this?* JMHO Maddy

I see what you're typing, Maddy, but if you've seen some of the registries I've seen... I don't know who some of these brides (and grooms) think they are, but some have registries that are WAY out of line. I've seen some with nothing under $250...I mean, no freaking way would I buy something for the child of a friend for a shower for $250. My best friend? Absolutely. eom (ML)

That's great, ML! The smallest size I received was one 12 months size dress. There was also one 9-month size pajama set. Everything else was newborn or 0-3 months. And she was an August baby (in south Texas), so she really didn't need much clothing anyway. A lot of people also go for the cute and forget the practical ... like undershirts, for example. eom--RK

Maddy, I totally agree that it's about the recipient. But don't you think that part of being a gracious recipient is considering the feelings of the people who are generous enough to give? And is it not reasonable for a buyer to feel bad if they feel they are being used? That's how I would feel if someone made me feel like I was obligated to buy off of their very specific list of wants (not needs, as was your case). In any case, I I don't think going off the registry means not thinking of the recipient. If anything, choosing something appropriate which is not on the list takes more thought and effort. I think there are just two sides to this, and we have very different experiences. :-) eom--RK

I actually look at Baby registries differently because I know the parents really need most of those items for Baby. Thay are must haves, so I usually stick to the registries for those and I try to buy from the most needed items on the list. ~~misspm

I'll admit that my experience is rather limited with baby registries ... I think I've only seen two, and they both contained a lot of items that were not necessities ... things that I never had for my own baby, even though they would have been nice ... and requested by people who made more money that I did. So I found some nice, useful things on my own. But for true needs, I agree. eom--RK

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Posted by: misspm
Date posted: Wed Apr 18 6:44:43 2012
Message:

Do what you can comforatbly afford.  The pepper mill sounds like a very nice idea.

I usually peruse a registry to glean the tastes of the couple and then go off on my own to find the same or similar items at good prices.  I take in consideration any color schemes etc.

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Thanks, misspm. Affordability is a big concern. I'm leaning btw a pepper mill and a wine decanter. Will share later what I went with. /Geri

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Posted by: RK
Date posted: Tue Apr 17 22:25:29 2012
Message:

Another thing ... I never understood why people call it the "bridal" registry ... I know most men don't care about decorative stuff (though my husband does), but if you're shopping for necessary household items, you would think both would care. And if the gifts look like things that only one person would enjoy, I wouldn't choose them for that reason alone. I know in our case, my husband was just as involved in the selection of registry items as I was. More so, actually, I think, because he knows more about kitchen stuff and which brands are good.

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I think the terms dates back to olden days -- but I could be wrong and maybe it was more traditionally for bridal showers? I've seen registries called Wedding Registries nowadays, too. That's cool that your husband is into kitchen stuff and knows different brands. /Geri

You may be right, Geri (that it was for showers). I wonder if most couples do this stuff together? I always thought that it was a bit odd that most wedding stuff was directed at brides, though. I mean, I know brides generally care more about wedding details than grooms, but I always thought it seemed so exclusionary for vendors, etc. to always assume that only brides would be interested. Maybe we were just a weird couple. :-) eom--RK

Well, he's also the one who knows how to cook. I've tried to learn a bit, though. eom--RK

Years ago, all things concerning the home were only the woman's concern. So gifts to set up the household were thought to be for the woman of the house or the bride. So even though gifts were given for the wedding, they were considered the help for the new bride to set up her home. ~~misspm

RK, your husband sounds like mine. He loves kitchen gadgets and wants to involved whenever I buy something for the kitchen. He also loves to cook so that is most likely a big part of it.....Jana

Well, it pretty much fit for Mr. ML. He smiled during any conversations about anything to do with the domicile...to this day, he really couldn't care any less than he does as long as I'm happy with it...eom (ML)

Jana and RK -- I love men who like to cook! Very sexy I think. /Geri

My husband made it very clear when I moved in to his apartment after we got married that the kitchen was ''his'' room ... mostly because he actually knows how to use it and I don't, lol. I remember that first year, when I couldn't come up with a birthday present idea, he said he'd like it if I made him a chocolate cake ... well, I'd say he did about 60% of the work on that cake that ''I made'', lol. I was asking him questions every five minutes. But he still gave me the credit. Too bad he doesn't have time to cook these days, so I'm playing catch up trying to learn, especially since we have special dietary needs now. eom--RK

Mr. ML loves to cook...shopping, that would be a no. I can't imagine what it would have been like taking him to look for ladles and spatulas...OMG. Trying to get him interested in china patterns was hilarious. As long as he has a skillet and a pasta pot plus a couple of spoons, he's in business...eom (ML)

My mother is like that ... she has her little paring knife (yes, paring knife)), a pot, and a frying pan and has no interest in any other cooking product. My husband is all about finding the best tool for the job, on the other hand, and he has a lot of them. eom--RK

I love this conversation thread and learning about your husbands, RK and ML. My grandma was like that, too -- just needed a few basics and she was set. My dad was into every gadget however. /Geri

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Posted by: Mickie
Date posted: Tue Apr 17 22:18:06 2012
Message:
I've done both, really depends on how well I know the couple getting married. Sometimes I'll get something that I know they want but is on no list. Love to do that! If I know they need money I'll do that or give them a gift certificate from one of the stores they listed on the registry, that way the bride can't check it! Lol

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Hi Mickie~ I know the couple fairly well. I can't hardly afford many things that are left on the registry and the few things I could afford seem skimpy. I am now thinking about a wine decanter. Oh and I can't give money -- am on a tight monthly budget unfortunately. /Geri

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Posted by: Dawn
Date posted: Tue Apr 17 21:09:34 2012
Message:
For me it really depends on the recipient. If they are young-ish and really just starting out, they may not have a lot of disposable income and may really need the items that are on the registry. If that is the case I will try to choose something from their registry that will remind them of us and I may go further by including something smaller but more personal. For example when some friends were getting married we got them the wineglasses that they had registered for and a bottle of wine that we had enjoyed together before. We would often go out for Tapas and wine with these particular friends so hopefully they think of us when they are toasting in their own home.

Now if the couple is a little older and they are combining households I might be more likely to choose a gift all on my own, especially if I know the couple really well.

When my husband and I were married we were very excited to make our registry. We were just finished with college and ready to head out into the real world so there really was a lot that was needed. Some people adhered to it and others did their own thing. Each item was appreciated and is still cherished. The registry lasted for a year and we found that people still went off of it well after the wedding (for Christmas and birthdays). So at least some people really liked knowing precisely what we could use and want.

But I will add that we didnt include our registry information with the invitations...that is the part that I find tacky and presumptuous. Everyone should adhere to the silly ritual of passing that info around by word of mouth. ;)

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Couldn't agree with you more on the invitation aspect...that's why God made MOBs...eom (ML)

Hi Dawn~ Thanks for weighing in. I completely agree about registries not being on the invitation but they were on the Save the Date magnet. Devon and Logan have been living together for a couple of years and have their own condo so they don't need a lot of the stuff on their registries and don't have room for a lot in their present location. I'm afraid a lot of stuff would stay in storage till they get a house. That's nice that you were excited to do the registry and still cherish the gifts. I'd like to give something that is special that they would remember. I'll post a picture/link of what I finally decide. /Geri.

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Posted by: RK
Date posted: Tue Apr 17 18:48:13 2012
Message:

I am not a fan of registries. We did have a registry when we got married, but it was mostly under pressure from other people, and if I could do it again, I would have refused, and I'm sure my husband would have agreed. I am uncomfortable with the idea of making out a list of gifts we want. It implies that we are expecting gifts. And it was a huge pain. I remember meeting my future husband at Macy's to pick things out, and then, people complained that there wasn't enough stuff on the list, so we went back, then people complained that the stuff wasn't expensive enough, so we went back. All those hours spent picking out stuff for other people to buy. Ugh. I wouldn't do it again. And I did not have a baby registry.

On the other hand, I DO believe in giving suggestions when they are asked for. I see no reason to make the guests' lives unnecessarily difficult and force them to try to read our minds. But I don't want to have to pick out a store and select *exact* items in advance. I want to just be able to say "We could use some sheet sets" and let the guests pick them out.

It also makes the thank-you notes easier to write. It's hard to find much to say other than "thank you for the toaster" when you were the one who picked it out. But if THEY picked it out, then you can compliment them on their excellent choice.

And yeah, it means you might get some gifts you don't want. Or duplicates. But that's life. (And just for the record, the only duplicates we got were actually on the registry!)

Now, from the perspective of the guest, I don't like registries because they take all the fun out of giving. So I usually don't use them, but I will look at them just to get an idea of what the couple likes and what others may already be buying for them. I suppose if I didn't know someone at all and was short on time, I'd use the registry.

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Hi RK~ I agree with many of the points you raise -- especially thanking a person for something that one picked out oneself. And I agree that registries are no fun. I did get an idea of their taste and I've been in the place numerous times that I have a good idea of what they would like. /Geri

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Posted by: Nancy
Date posted: Tue Apr 17 16:59:00 2012
Message:
I've done both, but generally, if I know the couple well and have an idea for the perfect gift, I will not buy from the registry.  I think a personally selected gift means more and is one the couple will always remember.  For the last two weddings I went to, I was invited to a bridal shower also.  One was the son of my best friend, one a cousin.  For both, I bought from the registry for the shower and gave a check for the wedding.  Btw, I think the peppermill is a great gift!  I got a small wooden peppermill and salt shaker as a housewarming gift over 20 years ago and we still use them.  And everytime, I think of the giver, a woman I used to work with that I have not kept in touch with, unfortunately.

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Hi Nancy~ I'm with you about a personally selected gift -- shows more care and special attention I think. Thanks for sharing that about the you wedding gift that you still think of the giver. That's what I would like -- a gift that is memorable -- not just another place setting. /Geri

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Posted by: ML
Date posted: Tue Apr 17 16:53:19 2012
Message:
I do one or the other. I take it they don't have a pepper mill on their registry, huh?

What I have done in the past is price things on the registry at other stores. If I find a deal, I take it, and then I call the store that has the registry to tell them to take it off. I've saved a lot of money that way...

I did something for the first time yesterday, and it'll be interesting to see what happens. The daughter of a friend of mine is getting married. The shower is in a month or so. The mother has told me at great lengths about the shower, and I figured that was because I'm invited. She outright has told me that we're invited to the wedding. Now, I haven't gotten a shower invitation yet. But it occurred to me that once the invitations go out, there won't be a whole lot left on the registry. So I took the plunge and got her something. Now what happens if I'm not invited to the shower? I guess we'll give it as a wedding gift along with cash. Why I did it backwards this way I don't know, but it has kind of amused me...

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Hi ML~ I like your idea of finding registry gifts at other stores and saving money. As for a pepper mill -- there is one on the registry but it's just a basic every day one -- not a fancy one. I also think your idea of planning ahead for your upcoming wedding was a good idea. Do you always give cash for a wedding gift? /Geri

Yes, in fact, we do. That's the Sicilian in me...My best friend always gives gifts...she wouldn't think about giving money. I think it is a reflection of how you grow up...eom (ML)

Giving cash is the norm in Indian culture as well. Almost all of my parents' friends who came to our wedding gave us checks. It was kind of funny, actually, to look down the list of gifts and see the clear difference between what the Indian people gave and what all the other guests gave. I don't think even one of the non-Indian guests gave money ... gift cards, yes, but straight-up money, no. But an interesting thing happened to all those gift cards ... we traded them to my parents for money. Because everyone assumed that we would like a Macy's gift card because that's where we registered, but the truth is, that we were finding it harder and harder to find anythign we wanted at that store. We kept going back and it was the same stuff as last time. We really wanted to go to another store, lol. eom--RK

Hmmm --- I don't know what my mom and dad did growing up -- I'm assuming my dad would give money if left to him. My mom -- I'd have to ask her. She probably bought gifts from registries for bridal shower gifts. I should ask her. And RK - that's a great idea to trade the gift cards for cash. I imagine it would have been tough seeing the same things over and over and not having picked them already. Unfortunately I'm not in a position to give money as I'm on a strict monthly budget -- no wiggle room there. /Geri

I personally prefer receiving gifts, always have. I've noticed money is getting more and more popular for children's birthday parties as well. It's just not as fun, IMO. Also, sometimes someone else can pick out something for you that you never would have thought of. That's my answer to the ''with money, they can buy what *they* want'' argument (which my mom always uses when she finds out that I gave someone a real gift). Come to think of it, that's a good argument for shopping outside the registry, too! eom--RK

I don't like the money for birthday parties. For showers, I always give a gift. For weddings, I give cash. I always figure that splits it...eom (ML)

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Posted by: Jana
Date posted: Tue Apr 17 15:11:10 2012
Message:

I have adhered to the registry and gone off for wedding gifts. I crochet so if it is a baby shower, I make a blanket and a couple of hats and/or booties. If you want to go off on your own, by all means do so. A pepper mill is a wonderful gift any bride to be should be thrilled to receive.

To be honest, I do not like those registries. The majority of my friends and family got married in the mid 70's-early 80's. I miss the days when shower gifts were selected by the guests and a surprise to the bride or mother to be.

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The only thing I selected was my china pattern. My mom selected our flatware, and my aunt selected our crystal. Good thing I like what they picked...eom (ML)

China/silver registry as well as color schemes have always been included in invitations for good reason. I was referring to every dish towel, wooden spoon, etc....Jana

Hi Jana! That's what I like -- something being a surprise. I have also given pretty wine decanters. I may look into that also. /Geri

You've received invitations with color schemes? I never heard of that...eom (ML)

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